The NFL season is HERE, as opening week is just about in the books. And with this holiest of opening ceremonies comes the beginning of another fantasy football season.
Some may argue that the best thing about fantasy football is the yearly ritual that is the fantasy draft, which is a big reason why daily fantasy football leagues have become such a rousing success. Who wouldn’t love the chance to fix their draft screw ups by getting a do-over each day? By now most traditional drafts should have been held and completed, with team owners flexing their creative chops and coming up with both fantastically hilarious and equally lame fantasy team names.
It can always be easy to come up with clever names based on your own namesake. For example, my name is Brandon Baxter (you killed my father, prepare to die) and I’ve often used team names such as Beez Nutz, B Diddy and Ol’ Dirty Baxter. Fun, but not close to the best. In the dynasty league I play in, one of the team owners replaced a previous owner whose last name is Wagner, and he simply goes by Wags. When the replacement owner took over the team, the previous moniker was changed and has since been known as Wags to Riches. It’s clever, funny and has garnered rave reviews by other members in the league.
Another way of creating a memorable fantasy football team name is to incorporate the names of players on your roster. For example, if you own running back Matt Forte, your team name might be ‘WD-Forte’. This is an obvious play on Matt’s last name, and incorporates the notion that he may someday need the popular joint lubricating liquid for his aging knees (no offense meant to Mister Forte, if he’s actually reading this).
With these man-childish thoughts in mind, and through extensive internet research and my own creativity, here are some of the best fantasy football team names of 2017.
*These team names are based on consensus pre-draft rankings and include some of the top fantasy football players in the game today*.
What’s In A Name?
Anyone can come up with a team name such as ‘Mister Rodgers’ Neighbourhood when you have Aaron Rodgers on your roster. That’s an easy one. Now how about something fun like, ‘Brady Gaga’ or ‘When the Brees Blows’. ‘Matty Ice’ is another simple name, since it is the exact same nickname that Falcons QB Matt Ryan goes by. Try harder!
Okay, how about ‘Super Mario-ta’ or ‘Wham! Bam! Thank You, Cam?!’. Followed up by ‘The Empire Strikes Dak’ or ‘Dude, Where’s My Carr?’. Perhaps you would enjoy having Philip Rivers on your roster if your team name was ‘In a Van Down by The Rivers’. Had enough silly pun team names? No? Please read on.
It is time to ring the Bell. This running back themed name-a-palooza starts with one of the top overall picks in any fantasy football draft as we’re ‘Le’Veon la Vida Loca’. Boy you should’ve known by now, ‘E Z Does It’. Or perhaps you prefer a game of ‘Hyde and Zeke’, should your roster include the starting running backs of the 49ers and Cowboys.
You may have drafted LeSean McCoy and can call your team the ‘Real McCoys’, but that’s lame. I prefer making roster decisions with the ‘Gurley Men’ or taking a ride in my ‘Little Red Fournette‘. Sit back Isaiah Crowell, and take a swig of ‘Old Crow’, or maybe you crave ‘Krispy Kareem‘? I’m willing to bet that David Seville – had he been a real person and drafted a fantasy football squad – would have called his team ‘DAaaaalvin!’.
Shall I continue? Or have you had enough of the dad joke themed, all puns intended, lame-o-saurus wrecks of a fluff article? You’re still reading.
‘What Can Brown Do for You?’. That’s a gimme of a nickname when you draft Antonio Brown, but if you take Julio Jones, you can watch ‘Game of Jones’, and Odell Beckham equals ‘Oh-dell No!’. You will climb the ‘Stairway to Evans‘ with the Tampa Buccaneer catching passes, or you can enjoy a little ‘Dez-pacito’ with Bryant in Dallas.
‘Cooper? Damn Near Killed Her!’. A helluva a name for any Amari Cooper owning squad. ‘Ladies and Edelman!’.That one is perhaps my favorite. It is a bummer he’s going to miss the season with a knee injury.
If you are still perusing this tremendous work of quality writing, you only have yourself to blame. As your punishment for gluttony, here this classic bumper sticker turned fantasy football franchise, ‘Gronk if You’re Horny!’. You’re welcome.
If you enjoy correct spelling and the classic television show Frasier, then you can combine the two with the tight end from Kansas City. Go by ‘Kelce Grammar’. Ugh… even that one was a stretch for me. Now I realize Josh Gordon doesn’t qualify this year, and his career path was once sky high. But, you could still ‘Smoke Some Reed‘ with Jordan of the Redskins.
Man, these are really getting painful!
Take a picture of this tight end (it’ll last longer), then post it on ‘Jimmy Insta-Graham‘. Most men claim their ‘Ball Zach Ertz‘ after having had a vasectomy, I simply suggest lots of ice and elevation.
Why include kickers in this melee? Because we draft kickers in the last round, that’s why. If you take one any earlier than that, you should be mercilessly laughed at and kicked out of your league.
The Baltimore Ravens are ready to go with their big-legged kicker, ‘Yippy Kai Yay Justin Tucker!’. Look it up, it is not fun if everything has to be explained. There is also the ‘Blair Walsh Project’ and ‘The Purple Rose of Cairo Santos‘.
Hey, remember when Thursday nights in the 80’s brought us ‘The (Mason) Crosby Show’?
Wait, wait, I got it. Someone please tell me they drafted Mason Crosby, Kenny Stills and the Tennessee Titans defense. You know exactly what to do… ‘Crosby, Stills and Nash-ville’!
Mic drop, I’m OUT!
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